Coffee Karma – Or How Darth Vader Saved the Earth
by DeltaGTdeltaS
Summary: After destruction of the first Death Star, Darth Vader must return to the Empire. But takes a detour to Earth first. Luckily for the Earth.


Coffee Karma – Or How Darth Vader Saved the Earth

Vader regained control of his TIE fighter. Then the explosion of the Death Star buffeted Vader's ship. Fearing that the remaining rebel forces would shoot him down, in desperation he hit the hyperspace escape switch. Instantly his ship was hurtled into hyperspace along the safest path the nav-computer could find. A desperate move but it was better than capture or death.

Vader exited hyperspace into a solar system dominated by a yellow dwarf star. His nav-computer could not locate any Imperial tracking beacons. So, his nav-computer could not tell where in the galaxy he had been flung. The computer switched in to cartography mode and began to scan the surrounding stars. Once his position could be pinpointed in the Imperial Stellar Atlas, a safe hyperspace path back to the Empire would be calculated allowing Vader to return to the Empire. Unfortunately, this could be a lengthy process, about 45 days in fact. Vader could not remain in his ship for such a length of time, so he would need to land on a habitable planet while the nav-computer completed its calculations.

Fortunately, the third planet from the sun was habitable and quite comfortable, but it was inhabited. Vader could land in an uninhabited part planet but then he could only draw power from the sun. This would slow his departure and Vader was anxious to return to the Empire. A power grid would only be accessible in the inhabited portions of the planet. He activated is socio-computer to get a basic scio-techo-economic profile of the inhabitants. A few minutes later the socio-computer provided a profile. The planetary society ranked a D- on the Imperial Technical Advancement Scale, but the power grid would still meet his needs. More importantly, the inhabitant's perception was particularly susceptible to mis-direction by the dark side of the Force. Vader was pleased, at last something had gone right.

Using the Force, Vader selected a landing site in a sculpture park located in a city the inhabitants referred as Seattle. Vader figured that the natives would simply view is ship as a new addition to the sculpture park. In fact, whenever a visitor viewed his ship in their mind a plaque would appear with the name of the sculpture being "if you want peace, prepare for war." As a piece of sculpture, Vader's ship was a hit with the locals. Attendance to the park tripled while during Vader's stay.

With his ship effectively hidden in plain sight, Vader now had a problem with his visage. He stood out from the locals. Although he could use the Mind Trick to misdirect the local's perception, it would be difficult to maintain the Trick for 45 days straight. However, his effort would be minimized if he mimicked the most common behaviors of the locals. In short, Vader had to get a job. So, Vader walked across the park and applied for an opening at a Starbuck's. Using his dark powers, he was easily able to trick the store manager to offering him the position.

On his first day the store manager was training Vader on how to foam milk for a latte. Slowly moving the pitcher up and down steam wand developing a fine milk froth and then skillfully pouring the steamed milk over the double shot of espresso.

"See Darth, that's how it's done"

Vader replied, "Do not be so proud of this technological contraption. The ability to foam milk into a tasty froth is insignificant compared to the power of the Force"

"Well Darth, Starbuck's honors and respects all faiths. And I am sure that Force is quite a bit more powerful than this espresso machine"

"I am glad that you agree" replied Vader

Not realizing his close brush with a violent death, the manager replied, "Yes. Now take this latte to the gentleman at Table 3"

"As you wish"

Vader crossed the cafe and placed the cup down on the table and said,

"Your latte sir. That will be $4.75"

The man handed Vader a five-dollar bill and told him to keep the change.

"A quarter!" rumbled Vader menacingly. "Your lack of generosity disturbs me"

Suddenly the man's face turned purple and he began choking and gasping for breath.

"Perhaps a few dollars more" intoned Vader stretching out his hand.

The man placed another five-dollar bill into Vader's outstretched hand.

"That is better." said Vader releasing the man from the choking grip of the Force

"I will now place this in the Tip Jar"

"Wow Darth!" Pipped Cassie. "A five-dollar tip for a five-dollar item! That's great customer service!"

"I'm glad that you are pleased Cassie" replied Vader kindly.

With Vader's judicious use of the dark side of the Force, tips and consequently crew bonuses skyrocketed. But choking rude and stingy customers did result in negative feedback. Although Vader wiped the event from the minds of his victims, it did leave them with an uneasy feeling. This unease was reflected in the Customer Voice rating for the store. So much so that the store manager called a meeting to address the precipitous drop in his store's rating. He was quite puzzled as before his store was one of the highest rated in the district.

Vader realized that his actions caused the drop in the store's rating. Not wanting any additional scrutiny on himself or his crew-mates, he decided to stop choking the cheap and rude customers. But this left him with a problem. So, he raised his hand.

"Yes Darth" said the store manager

"I am having difficulty dealing with stingy and rude customers. What would you suggest?"

"Well Darth, remember your training – L.A.T.T.E. Do you remember?"

"I do" replied Vader in his baritone voice. "Listen, Ask questions, Take action, Thank the customer, Encourage the customer to return. L.A.T.T.E"

"Excellent Darth! Now I consider the matter closed"

The matter was not closed. Not in Vader's mind. Why should I listen and ask questions of a cheap, pushy jerk? While Vader was trying to decide if he should use Dark Force Lightening to "explain" that L.A.T.T.E. didn't solve anything, Cassie leaned in and whispered,

"I'll give you some practical "Actions" that you might want to use after the meeting" Vader slowly nodded. Thus, the manager avoided yet another brush with violent death.

A few days later . . .

"Crystal, as my face mask prevents me from serving a "sneezer", would you please sneeze on this blue berry scone for that gentleman who was rude to Cassie" asked Vader in a kindly voice.

"Sure Darth. Achoo"

"Thank you, your help in this matter is greatly appreciated"

"No problem Darth!" replied Crystal in a cheery voice.

"Enjoy your scone sir" intoned Vader as handed the bag over the counter to the customer.

Now Vader really excelled in up selling. Here the Mind Trick was useful without causing a reduction in customer voice scores.

"I will take a blueberry muffin with that" whispered Vader waving his hand.

"I will take a blueberry muffin with that" replied the customer blankly.

"We're out of blueberry muffins" Chimed Cassie.

Vader examined the pastry case "I will take a croissant instead" whispered Vader.

"I will take a croissant instead" droned the customer blankly.

"Would you like that heated up?" asked Cassie

"wha . . . wha . . . "the customer babbled

"Yes" Vader intoned.

As a result, the stores up sales skyrocketed. Vader was glad to help his crew-mates.

Finally, the Nav computer completed its survey and plotted a return back to the Galactic Empire. So, the time had come for Vader to leave the Earth. He spoke to his store manager.

"It is time for me to return to the Empire and take my place at the Emperor's side. So, I am giving you my two weeks' notice"

"Well Darth, I understand your desire to return home. I'm sorry to lose you. You've been a great crew member"

"I too have enjoyed my time at Starbuck's. Rest assured that your hospitality will not go unnoticed by the Empire and the Emperor."

Vader carefully foamed the whole milk and poured it over the double shot of espresso and handed the cup to the Galactic Emperor.

"Here you are my Master"

"Thank you" replied the Emperor taking a sip. His faced brightened.

"This is wonderful, what is this libation called?"

"A latte, sir"

"And what is it made from?"

"The coffee bean, my lord"

"Ah. Do we have an ample supply?"

"For the time being. But not on an ongoing basis"

"Oh? Where does the coffee bean come from?"

"A planet called Earth"

"And where is it located?" The Emperor mused as he called up a holographic chart of the galaxy.

"Here, planet 741 in sector 7G." said Vader pointing to the Sun. "It is the only inhabited planet in that sector"

"Planet 741 . . .Hmm . . ." said the Emperor taking another sip from his drink. He leaned back and closed his eyes. "That sounds familiar" he murmured.

"It should my lord. As we just gave dominion of that planet to the Rauk. Their entire population is in route to the Earth now"

"Ah" Said the Emperor taking another sip. "Will that affect our supply of coffee beans?"

"I'm afraid so my lord. The Rauk's plans for the Earth will prevent the cultivation of the coffee bean."

The Emperor drained his cup, set it down and said in a decisive voice "That won't do. Take the fleet, intercept the Rauk, and destroy them all"

"It will be done, my Master"

And that is how Darth Vader saved the Earth

Epilogue

In the dark hours of the early morning, the Emperor's shuttle landed in the sculpture park. The rear landing door opened, and the Galactic Emperor swept from craft with Vader in tow. He strode across the street and into the Starbuck's. Seeing a long line of customers ahead of him, and without breaking stride, he waived his arms expansively using the Force fling the customers in line ahead of him out of his way.

"Hi Emperor!" piped Cassie in a cherry tone. "Hi Darth" She said in a lower voice over the Emperor's shoulder. Vader waved back.

"What can I get started for you today?"

"Good morning child" replied the Emperor. "A double tall breve latte for me and an Grande Americano for my apprentice."

"Coming right up! Galactic Emperor and Darth" said Cassie as she wrote on the cups

"Double Tall Breve Latte for the Galactic Emperor and a Grande American for Darth" said the Barista working the bar.

With their drinks in hand, the two most feared persons in the Galaxy strode out of the Starbuck's.

"You know my apprentice, I am very glad that you found this quaint little planet. Our morning trips here are the only source of peace during this rebellion. Let's be sure that no one but us knows of this place. Wipe out any culture or race that might find this place"

"As you wish my lord"

And so, the Earth was never dragged into the rebellion and was allowed to live in peace while the galaxy burned with war and strife.

End.


End file.
